Well, I have several, but there's one in particular I want to talk about, because I think that if I force myself to confront this issue, I just might be able to get past it.
I've applied for public assistance. Or, if you prefer, welfare.
Over and over, my friends tell me that it's nothing to be ashamed of, that it's becoming more and more common as our economy tumbles, and that I certainly don't have to beat myself up over it. I nod my head and agree on a theoretical level, but deep inside, those forms have skewed my self-image closer to the one you'll find in your average Rants & Raves section on Craiglist.
The welfare mom. Single mom, fat and lazy, sitting on the couch in her dirty house eating bon-bons while the kids smear shit on the walls. Stinky, ugly, all-around repulsive and unlovable human whales. The image that I've been fighting just as a single mom, and have been sliding closer towards as I realized that my income just wasn't keeping up with my outgo.
I once swore that, no matter how dismal things got, I would never resort to welfare. I hadn't banked on things getting so bad that I had to worry about whether a temp agency would even be able to find a position for me. I didn't realize it would be so easy to lose my business through simple economic drag, rather than bad management and laziness. I had figured my biggest obstacles would be getting in enough customers and keeping my mom from burning out on childcare before I could afford a daycare (or they got old enough for public school), plus the lack of child support. My problems seemed conquerable.
How does someone conquer a whole economy, though? How does someone with a spotty employment record beat out 300 applicants for a stupid retail job?
How do I keep up my head when I've stooped to what I've always considered the lowest of lows?
I've noticed it's harder to look people in the eyes lately. I'm afraid to talk, and oh I'm afraid to flirt (which used to be a hobby of mine, fercryin'outloud). There's someone interested in me, and I can't help but be afraid to encourage it at all, because... well, I'm a welfare mom. What do I have to offer? I'm so lacking in offerings that I'm resorting to begging for help just to do what I should have been able to accomplish all on my own.
I suppose I'll get past it, like every other trial I've endured in life. It'll end someday; I'm not going to be unemployed forever, and one bonus of not being able to afford eating out is losing weight, right? Besides, while I'm looking for work, I'll have time for housekeeping again, time to lavish on my kids, and of course time for more writing and... and... maybe even painting.
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